Seeds of Solace

Pine Siskin

Steller’s Jay

Western Tanager

Ruby-Throated Hummingbird

My life has gone to the birds.

Every morning I walk out onto the deck in my fluffy purple robe, carrying a little white bucket full of birdseed. As I sprinkle the seed on the boulder (named Carol) that peaks up through our deck and on top of our unnamed dining table, I talk to the birds, chipmunks and squirrels that typically scatter the moment I step outside.

I cheerily tell them good morning and remind them I would never hurt them. Mostly I just want them to get used to my presence and the sound of my voice so we can share the outdoor space. Progress has been mixed.

One morning last week there was a little male Siskin on the boulder. Siskins are very small, mostly brown birds (the males have bright yellow stripes on their wings) and in my experience, they’re the bravest bird species that has visited so far this year.

This particular little guy (named Cal) had his head cocked toward me and allowed me to get within 3 feet of him before he flew about 5 feet away, and while I was spreading the birdseed, 3 more Siskins flew down around me, waiting for their breakfast.

Suddenly, a Steller’s Jay landed on the deck railing roughly 10 feet from me, which is a crazy new development. Because aside from being very large, bright blue and mohawked, they’re very skittish. It’s like they have no idea how freaking badass they look! (We have two regulars, named A.J. and O.J.)

And then this amazing bright orange and yellow fellow appeared. It was so strange to see such bright, tropically-colored plumage in the Douglas fir tree (named Doug) growing up through our deck that I thought at a glance it was an escaped pet conure or parakeet!

He’s a Western Tanager (named Buckaroo) and he was soon joined by several other males and a pale yellow female.

As I walked back to the house, excited to describe the new bird to The Boy (he always helps to identify them), our resident male hummingbird (named Humperdink) buzzed me and then paused in front of me about a foot away, just checking me out… and for a few incredible moments we simply regarded each other.

I’m not gonna lie, I felt like Snow White!

It’s no secret that I’m struggling with anxiety and depression— I have since my heart transplant. But what’s happening with the coronavirus has taken it to a new level and I often find myself wondering why I even fought so hard to live. Taking a macro view of the world right now is utterly heartbreaking and crazy-making. So instead, I focus on a micro view.

I take refuge in sitting still and being small and quiet and watching all of the little lives unfolding around me. It allows me to comprehend that my drama is no more important than their drama.

And friends, there is beauty and solace in that.