Thank You for the Music

It’s almost showtime at Bainbridge Performing Arts. “Mamma Mia” opens in one week.

The last time I danced on this stage in front of an audience was in Priscilla, Queen of the Desert and I was dying. I was in end-stage heart failure and while I didn’t know it, I was only nine months from receiving a new heart.

And here I am, nine months after the transplant, re-taking that stage.

You guys, in those moments where I allow myself to feel all that I’m feeling... everything just stops and I weep tears of joy. Not just because of the full circle/come-back nature of this, not just because of how hard I have worked to get here… but because I am so incredibly grateful that I have the chance.

I lived.

A year ago I was trapped inside of a body that could barely function. I spent most of my days sitting on my couch, chatting with friends old and new on social media, writing in my blog, watching God knows what on TV. I had given up my career, my hobbies, most of my social life, travel, caffeine, alcohol, sodium, physical activity, my very independence and almost all of my self-reliance.

Nine months ago I was in the ICU fighting for my life while recovering from the incredible physical and emotional trauma of heart transplant and dealing with massive complications with my right lung, which wouldn’t fully inflate for weeks. I was happy to be alive and yet terrified that I’d never sing again.

Seven months ago, I was cleared to begin strenuous physical activity and began taking private dance lessons from the amazing Helen Heaslip. In these sessions she not only helped me learn to move, she helped me to regain a sense of self, a faith in both my physical and emotional strength, an appreciation for my body, and an absolute newfound joy for dance. She is not just an extraordinary dancer and human being, she’s a freaking YODA.

Four and a half months ago, I auditioned for this show, was called back and OMG I ACTUALLY MADE THE CAST.

Six weeks ago, I began rehearsals.

And one week from now, I’m going to dance across that same stage, more alive than I have ever been, in front of an audience and with a cast who may never have any idea how very much this means to me, but who I hope will see the joy of it on my face and in my dance, and who will hear it in my voice. And I hope that joy is contagious.

To so many, this is just community theater.

To so many, this is a very small role.

But to me, it’s what I lived for.

“Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing
Thanks for all the joy they're bringing
Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty
What would life be?
Without a song or a dance what are we?
So I say thank you for the music
For giving it to me.”

—Benny Anderson & Bjorn Ulvaeus (ABBA)