That Time I Was an Unwitting Meth Head
Sometimes things happen on this ride that are so utterly ridiculous that I either can't find the words to describe them at the time, or I feel it's prudent to wait for them to resolve before publicly discussing them.
"The Methamphetamine Incident" qualifies as one of those times.
Remember back in February when I was not yet on the list pending two test results, and I was really worried? In particular, I was so worried about my toxicology/drug (tox) screen (despite having done nothing wrong) that I had a nightmare about it?
Well, as it turns out, I had good reason to be concerned: In the early evening of February 26th, Derek and I were sitting on the couch when I saw that I had a voice mail from Sue, the Transplant Nurse. As is our custom with any of these transplant-related calls, I played the message on speaker so we could both hear it. It began:
"Hi Andrea, this is Sue. Everything is looking good.
<uncomfortable pause>
Yes, you showed up positive for methamphetamines."
Wait, WHAT?
Honestly, she said this so matter-of-factly that we thought she was punking us. Where's the punchline, Sue? So many questions started running through my head, like:
How have I somehow been doing meth without knowing it?
Not to brag or anything, but aren't my skin and teeth looking pretty good for a meth head?
How am I still so chubby?
ere was the big euphoric feeling I should have experienced if I've somehow been unwittingly doing meth? Is that Intervention show nothing but a pack of lies?
Whose actual LIFE is this?
And the biggest question of all:
DOES THIS MEAN I'VE BEEN DENIED ENTRY TO THE TRANSPLANT LIST FOR ALL TIME FOR SOMETHING I DIDN'T DO?
About a week before the tox screen my cardiologist started me on a new drug called Mexiletine. This drug is used to stop premature ventricular contractions (PVCs) and I was having 700-800 of them per hour (you can think of PVCs as extra heartbeats). Not only are they bad for my heart because they are over-working an already pretty well-defeated muscle, I also could feel quite a few of them... and it was both distracting and disturbing to feel my heart galloping around in my chest all of the time.
And as it turns out, Mexi (which is the previously unknown and until now never-used street term I've created for it) causes the body to produce the same antibodies that methamphetamine does and this triggers a positive result for both meth and just regular old garden-variety amphetamine. Not that anyone bothered to warn us about that prior to the tox screen or anything.
So Sue explained they'd have to send my sample out for secondary testing. And after waiting another 8 days, we received the not-so-surprising-news that the antibodies were indeed the culprit and that I wasn't living some kind of side life that was so secret I didn't even know anything about it.
And then about two hours after getting that good news, we learned that I had made it onto the list. Which resulted in my doctor hand-delivering the world's strangest "acceptance letter," pictured below.
Seriously you guys, I can only imagine the conversations the Transplant Team has about me behind closed doors.