Morning Glory

Day 28 with Jordan, my new heart: The breakfast of champions. 

Alternate caption: Better living through pharmaceuticals.

I take over 50 pills a day now, spread across 4 different times. 

Some are anti-rejection drugs, many are to counter-affect the side effects of those anti-rejection meds, which are pretty harsh in both the long and short term.

This will taper down over time... but yeah, for now I rattle when I walk. And while I’ve been largely sharing the positives of all of this, the truth is a bit grittier. 

I currently deal with persistent, pounding headaches and savage heartburn. My hand tremors are so bad that I keep slowly raising my hand and pointing and whispering “Scrooooooge” like the ghost of Jacob Marley. My vision isn’t quite right. And all of it’s the worst after about 7 pm. 

My right lung still won’t fully inflate without sharp pain, and my voice remains scratchy from being intubated several times. I’m starting to worry if I will ever truly sing again, but The Boy keeps reminding me I just had lung surgery a week ago. 

I exhaust easily and it makes these side effects even more intense, which is why I’m being really careful about visitors. I get a huge surge of yummy adrenaline from seeing the people I love. And then I pay a heavy price for it afterwards.

Oh, and I cry. A lot. I really wasn’t prepared for the emotional side of this and I’m unable to put into words the things I am feeling. Sometimes it feels like I’m standing in a hall of mirrors and everything that has ever happened or will ever happen is going on at the same time and I just feel so MUCH. It’s like there is this giant truth which will help me to grasp all that has happened in the past month— and it’s sitting on the horizon and I keep almost reaching it but it moves farther and farther away. I’m seeing my therapist on Tuesday and hoping this will help... but I’m also weirdly worried that therapy will make that mystical feeling depart before I can truly figure it out. 

Still, I’m here.
I lived.
And I’m so grateful.

I feel as though it will get better with time. And for the first time in a very long while, time is something I have.